HOROSCOPES

• Aries

People born under this sign are mentally clumsy by nature and learn even the simplest things with great difficulty. In order to make them absorb some knowledge, they have to be beaten up a lot. Because of their idiocy, Aries tend to disorganise everything in their work, which is why they quickly rise to the highest positions.

• Taurus

His characteristic traits are: the charm worthy of a country Casanova, and inclinations towards homosexuality. He is convinced that he is the navel of the world and therefore likes to pose like a madman, both in front of the mirror and in front of his work colleagues. He terrorises his closest relatives from the day of his birth until the last moments of his old age.

• Geminis

Those born under this sign never grow up, either in terms of feelings or intellect. The only thing they are good at is filling out a lottery coupon once a week. Although they try to hide it, their greatest pleasure comes from picking their noses.

• Cancer

Words are superfluous here... In this case not even an insane asylum is an option for help. Cancerians cheat, deceive and love to trip anyone up, at any time. They can never be trusted, they are always driven by envy, and after they turn 25 they start losing their hair and teeth.

• Leo

Leo's are attracted to drugs, alcohol and depravity of the most brutal kind from the very beginning of their lives. They do not like to study, they hardly finish school, and are very eager to testify in lawsuits and trials. Once unmasked, they cause scandals and make scenes.

• Virgo

Intimate relationships with people born under the sign of Virgo are disastrous, as both men and women in bed demonstrate a charm worthy of an elephant and a creativity worthy of a rabbit. No matter what sign their parents are in, the children of Virgos usually end up in clinics for the mentally ill.

• Libra

You have to be very unlucky to be born under the sign of Libra. In fact, it determines everything. Librans have a bad memory and poor eyesight, they are the ultimate handymen, and their so-called shrewdness leaves much to be desired. Their professional ambitions are practically non-existent, as is their sense of humour. What they lack is: luck in business, luck in love, common sense and health.

• Scorpio

He has persecution mania. Nothing is able to change his conviction that for numerous and constant failures the Scorpio always answers to other people, and never to himself. Since he lives in fear, he tends to attack first and from behind.

• Sagittarius

The person born under this sign shows great energy and creativity: they are a born social activist. Of course, no matter what they set out to do, they always end up screwing it up.

• Capricorn

Any sane society that cares about their progress should isolate Capricorns immediately. Despite their bravery, they are not good to trust, not an option for making a life for themselves.

• Aquarium

One of the cutest signs, but controlling, depending on the situation they become controlled and avoid any kind of relationship with a Gemini, tends to be very giggly and funny.

• Pisces

They provoke fights and unhealthy situations at home and at work all the time. They are more basic-minded than toilet-trainers. They are good at working as bus ticket controllers. Suitable zodiac sign for them: none.